Okay, let me be real with you. I am well. Life and ministry thrive. God has provided a sustainable, flexible career. I get to disciple others, be involved in Kingdom work, and I have deep friendships. My daily needs are met, and my emotions feel stable. I laugh often.
There is much beauty.
But there are moments when still his “absence is like the sky spread over everything,” and missing him is a little more poignant. Certain occasions still create the now familiar heaviness. It’s not debilitating pain of the early days, but rather a slow, dull ache. It’s an undercurrent of longing that shifts the tide and returns my heart to a place of introspection.
Let me set the scene.
“The past tense of three!”
Laughter erupts at the ridiculous clue. Past tense of three? A shouted answer, a round disc passed, voices intense, and an intermittent beeping creates a fever pitch as it hurtles toward the timer’s end. Groans mix with whoops, and the guys leap from their seats. High fives all around, one would think they won the Super Bowl rather than a round of Catch Phrase.
Laughter comes in rolling wave upon wave. It’s a perfect moment frozen in time. But Jon’s not there, and it feels like he should be.
I’m one of the “lucky ones” (though luck is truly a myth) who has always adored her in-laws. I fell in love with Jon’s family immediately. And in death they have still counted me their own. I am so very thankful.
But this time it was hard to be with them. To me his absence was a startling contrast to the laughing family around me. Lies crept in.
They’re done missing him.”
I guess we’ve exhausted the storehouse of shared memories.”
He’s being replaced.”
Without realizing it, I retreated to the safety of my thoughts.
“Ames, are you okay? It seems like this trip has been especially difficult. Sometimes it seems like you hurt more when you’re with us.”
“I do hurt more.”
And given the opportunity to process aloud, my words came in a flood. “It feels like he should be here. When I look at Ben with Holden, I see what Jon would have been like with a son.”
“I’m so excited for another brother to come into the family. (My youngest sister-in-law is headed toward marrying a fantastic guy) “But sometimes I think–‘a new adopted son to replace the old.‘”
“We’re not done missing him. You know there are lies among those thoughts, right?
“We’re your family. You don’t have to put the walls up.” And then I understood she was right. I had begun to shut them out.
But I need them. And I have a sneaky suspicion that they need me too.
The heaviness lifted. I don’t have deep theological truth to share this time, just simple thoughts. An emotional wall is the opposite of grace.
- Grace gives permission to handle things differently.
- Grace remembers the dull aches of others.
- Grace does not steel itself against hurt.
- Grace loves and cherishes.
- Grace does not believe lies.
- Grace laughs.
- And grace arrives with open arms.
So as long as they’ll have me, I’ll have them. I’ll keep my heart open. When the missing is more poignant, I won’t shoulder it alone. For grace recalls its family.
“I thank my God in all my remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine for you all making my prayer with joy, because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now. And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. It is right for me to feel this way about you all, because I hold you in my heart, for you are all partakers with me of grace”
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5 thoughts on “I won’t shut them out.”
Great article. Deep and necessary. Thx Ami.
Lisa, thank you. I’m so glad it ministered to you today. I had to dwell on these things for awhile before I could write them.