Gospel Reflections

Ouch. This one hurts.

~ Ami ~ 4 Comments

More thoughts for Lent. This one hurts. Yet, there is beauty.

I don’t know about anyone else, but the further we get into this time of preparation, the more God has brought my sin to light. I see some ugliness in my heart, and I hate it. Since we can be real with each other, I’ll let you see it too. Here goes. I don’t trust that God is always doing good in my life, and by proxy I don’t always trust that He is good. Therefore, I worry. I fear. Sometimes I call these things anxiety to make myself feel better about them, but at the root they’re sin. I also struggle to be content. Sometime I think God’s given others a better life. In this case, my sin is being consumed with the things I don’t have but think I need. The struggle itself is not the problem. It’s when I’m so consumed by my plans and desires that I disregard what God wants and knows is best.

Today our reading looked me straight in the eye, and then kicked my butt. “Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body to make you obey its passions.” Ouch. That hurts. I mean, can’t we just talk about promises and gifts? However, I have a sneaky suspicion I’m not the only one that occasionally needs some tough love.

Romans 6:12-14

“Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness. For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace.”

The gospel of grace presented in Romans isn’t merely for theoretical, intellectual, and even spiritual understanding, it is also for practical, in the trenches living. Through Christ I am dead to sin. It no longer holds tyranny over me. I’m also alive in Him, raised in newness of life. These things He has accomplished. Therefore, because I’ve already been brought from death to life, I can obey. Furthermore, I have a responsibility to obey. I can defy sin. And all these sin patterns I mentioned do not have to rule over me. In fact, I’m commanded that they don’t.

Rather, the natural overflow of being buried with Christ and raised with Him is to present myself to God. I think this is submission or surrender. My “members,” eyes, ears, hands, feet, voice, mind, and heart etc. are representatives of the whole. Romans 12:1 says it this way. “Present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.” Paul says putting yourself on the altar is reasonable. Instead of being ruled by sin, I surrender to be ruled by God. So by grace, I repent of these sins, and humbly surrender to God for His purposes, His plan.

Here’s the clincher. Verse 14 is a promise. Though I will still struggle with sin till I die or Christ returns, sin will not ultimately triumph. I’m under grace to know both God’s goodness and His fullness. I get to be in the new covenant, in which the gospel of Jesus empowers me to obey, to trust, to be at peace, to know God is good, and to know that He alone fully satisfies.

I stand in grace.

~ Ami ~ 2 Comments

“And the free gift is not like the result of that one man’s sin. For the judgment following one trespass brought condemnation, but the free gift following many trespasses brought justification. For if, because of one man’s trespass, death reigned through that one man, much more will those who receive the abundance of grace and the free gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man Jesus Christ. Therefore, as one trespass led to condemnation for all men, so one act of righteousness leads to justification and life for all men.” Romans 5:16-18

God is in the business of glaring contrasts. Condemnation. Justification. Sin. Righteousness. Death. Life. In other words, He loves reversals. What a rich, beautiful idea. When I dwell on these thoughts, hope, comfort, joy, and peace rise within.

I mean life feels dumb sometimes. I could use reversal. Couldn’t you?

I have to view things visually. So, to see the contrasts of Romans 5:16-18, I made myself two lists. One man’s sin brought judgment, condemnation, death’s tyrannical reign, and death itself. But in my other column, one man’s righteousness created reconciliation, justification, the reign of grace, and life.

Within these lists are radical implications. Jesus reversed the curse of sin and death. Amen! In Jesus we have “abundance of grace” and the “free gift of righteousness.” I could park there for a while.

But, what is more, our conquering warrior destroyed earth’s most villainous tyrant, thoroughly reversing the reigning authority. He is the King, bringing life and grace.

Death no longer condemns the believer. Rather, we will be raised with Christ. Death and condemnation have no spiritual power over us. And someday when Jesus returns, He’ll reverse even the presence of physical death!

Do these truths blow anyone else out of the water? Surely then, the ultimate reversal indicates that infinite grace is also available for daily life. We stand in abundance of grace.

Because Jesus reversed my greatest need, He’s already reversed the suckiness of life. After all, if He went so far as to turn death into life, then I can confidently expect that the glaring contrasts of my life are good.

Merely buzz words? No way.

~ Ami ~ 2 Comments

If you’ve been a Christian for any length of time, you probably use a fair bit of Christianese. It’s a language with words like saved, believer, walking with Christ, gospel, and on and on. Do you ever wonder if they’re just trendy words with which we pepper our speech to impress others? Yeah, it’s true. Sometimes they are. But they don’t have to be. For when we press to know, to unpack the truth, and to understand, they are life altering. For instance, examine Romans 5:1-2 for a minute.

“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.”

Paul spent the previous chapters explaining the Gospel, our abject need for it, and Christ’s centrality in it. Now he turns to what “knowing Jesus” really looks like. And it looks like justification, which means to be declared innocent. Not only did Jesus take all your sin, he gave you ALL of his righteousness. This was a one-time, legal act. You’ve heard it this way–just as if I’ve never sinned, just as if I’ve always obeyed.

This is how God sees you. But do you really believe that? I mean, doesn’t that just fill your heart with awe and wonder? Doesn’t it lift the heavy burden of guilt and shame? Amen!

But Paul doesn’t stop there. He says because you are justified, you have peace with God. Whoa. No strife. No contention. No wrath. So, the result of being declared righteous is peace. That’s propitiation. Imagine God’s great fireball of wrath hurtling through time and space at YOU, but at the last minute it’s absorbed by the cross.There Jesus bears all the weight and fury of it. That almost sounds like a work of epic fantasy. But it really happened. No wrath to you anymore, ever. All you know is grace. You’ve been adopted, reconciled, and redeemed. Through Jesus you have a secure standing. You have full access to God. You stand in grace. The fitting response? “We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.” The deeper these truths penetrate, the more unshakable, overflowing, and abundant is our joy. Buzz words? No way.

The gospel, then is power that turns sinners into saints. It is the power to obey.

5 Radical Words. “I am praying for them.”

~ Ami ~ 10 Comments

Ipraying for them think I’m kind of an emotional creature. Scratch that. I’m definitely an emotional creature. But this is not a bad thing. God created emotions, and he has big emotions for me.

I like having big emotions. I like loving deeply. I like laughing heartily. I like being ridiculously excited. I love superlatives.

But sometimes my emotions become a jumbled up mess. Mix big emotions with a tendency toward introspection, and presto I see a thousand strands of spaghetti interwoven and tied in knots with each other! I think we’ve talked about this topic before? Probably so. Anyway, one thought affects another. That one affects five more and so on. Untangling them seems daunting, impossible, and futile. I mean why would you ever want to untangle spaghetti anyway? Well, I suppose it’s there the analogy breaks down. But nonetheless, those days and weeks come. The knot grows until the burden of untangling it seems so heavy it’s crushing.

Anybody else relate? Can I get an amen?

For me at least, big conflicting emotions are one way God reminds me of my neediness, and that he is enough to meet those needs. They teach me to preach truth to myself even when I don’t feel like it. And I learned long ago, that if I keep hearing enough truth, my emotions will surely catch up.

I’m not always very good at preaching to myself, however. Though I get to counsel others all the time, sometimes I struggle to counsel myself. I guess that’s why God made the church a body. I need precious friends who will say, “Ami maybe you just need some time to be still before God.”

Duh. Why didn’t I think of that? It’s something I totally know, but I had to hear it from someone else. Many of us struggle to be still, myself included. We tend toward Marthaness and not Maryness. Yes, I possibly just invented two words. And if you have no idea what I’m referring to, go check out Luke 10. But being still is one of the themes of this year. I’m still learning it. When I really stop, sit down, cry to God for help, and physically write out what is true, He is ALWAYS faithful to meet me there. He is always faithful to make truth sink in! It’s the Holy Spirit who illumines. He is truth. And He’s the one that untangles the knot.

But that’s enough discourse on my thoughts and emotions. Enough metacognition.

Let’s get to the good stuff. Over the last few days God’s been using John 17 to distill the thoughts and smooth out the snarls. Enter, big excitement! I am dying to share this with you! This is staggering stuff.

Jesus’ imminent return to the Father was close at hand. Suffering and death was coming. Ending his sermon, he started to pray. Yet it wasn’t a silent conversation with his Father. He wanted the disciples to listen in! And now we get to listen in. There’s so much rich theological truth happening in this chapter, but it was five words that utterly blew me away.

Jesus said “I am praying for them.” 

Do you recognize what just happened here?

Jesus is praying for his church. And as part of his church, Jesus is praying for me! for me?

“I am praying for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those whom you have given me, for they are yours.” (v9) Let the full weight of those words wash over you for a second. Don’t miss the significance here. Staggering right?

Jesus, King, Messiah, Savior, Lord, Son, God, is praying and I get to look over his shoulder. Seated at the right hand of the Father, he pleads for me. He always lives to make intercession for his own. (Hebrews 7) Here I get a glimpse of the way he talks to the Father. About himself. About his church. About me! Holy stars and stripes batman!

And just what does He pray?

  • Keep them
  • Make them unified, one with each other
  • Guard them
  • Protect them from the evil one
  • Give them my joy
  • Sanctify them in the truth. Transform them.
  • Make them one with us
  • Teach them that you love them as you love me!
  • I desire them to be with me. Bring them where I am!
  • Help them know that I am in them and they are in me.

Keep them. Guard and protect them. I know there’s so much more implied here, but for me this week, the link was to my thoughts. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7) When I cast my jumbled up worries, fears, anxieties on Christ, the result is peace. Peace that cannot be understood. Because he already died for those sins, Jesus guards all of me.

And if that’s not enough, just think about some of the other gigantic implications of this prayer. Jesus shows deep, personal, intimate care for his own. He knows we’re sheep. As the great shepherd, he protects and lays down his life. He also prays that we know we are in him and he is in us. Therefore, I am never alone. There is never a moment when Christ is not fully aware of my needs, struggles, and fears. He gets it, even when I think no one else does. Because he’s also God, he knows exactly how to pray for me. I can’t get over that he actually does, nonetheless perfectly! Wow. I admit, union with Christ is something of a beautiful mystery. It’s easier to get that he’s in me. But I’m in him? Still contemplating that one.

Likewise, because I’m part of his church, part of the bride, he desires me to be with him! And he sees me with affection and delight. It means I’m wanted. Always.

The way he prays reveals resounding oneness with the Father. It also reveals that he wants his own to know the same intimacy. Because Jesus satisfied God’s wrath, he accomplished that for me.Therefore, God loves me with the same love with which he loves the Son. That’s almost crazy talk! But it’s true.

And, let’s not miss what he doesn’t pray. He does not ask for believers to be taken out of the world, to withdraw from it, to create fortresses around ourselves. Also, “not of the world” isn’t a command. Rather it’s an indicative, already a reality. Believers are already not of this world because of who we are in Christ. But he doesn’t ask for us to be removed from it.

He does not ask that his followers would have a life of ease and that everything would be tulips and mint-chocolate-chip ice cream. He does not pray for us to have health, wealth, and prosperity. He does not pray that we would squabble over peripheral issues. Rather he prays that we would know the unity he has with the Father.

He does not pray “show them that they earn favor with their toiling. Show them that you love them more or less because of their actions.”  That truly is staggering.

“I am praying for them”

Five words calmed my soul, got rid of the knots, stopped the roller coaster, leveled out the hills and valleys, and reminded me that Jesus is truth. Not just true, but truth. The truth.

This chapter is so rich. There’s so much more, but we’d be here for days.

“No earthly feast can even faintly compare with the nourishment we are given in Jesus’ high priestly prayer.” (ESV Gospel Transformation Bible)

Yeah, I agree with that.

Not going anywhere? Me neither.

~ Ami ~ 4 Comments

It was a very normal day. So normal, I don’t recall the events of it. Jon had probably worked. It was Christmas break, so I might have been home all day. I don’t remember what I made for dinner. We could have watched some shows and snuggled on the couch. Typical, mundane, and nondescript. It was a year ago yesterday. Perhaps it was the last normal day.

When Jon laid down for bed he started to cough, and had a slight rattle in his chest. That was it. No other symptoms. I thought he just had a cold. But I guess to Jon, something triggered more concern. So, around midnight we took our first trip to the ER. There was definitely a part of me that thought, “They’re not going to tell us anything.”

However, a chest X-ray revealed that Jon’s heart was enlarged with fluid around it. I guess life started to change then. The fluid pressed on Jon’s lungs, hence the cough and rattle. He was to be transferred and admitted to a larger hospital, but the atmosphere was relaxed, low key. I even drove back home to pack us an overnight bag since it would take a while for the ambulance to get there. My mind was perfectly calm. But I suppose my hands were not. I remember them shaking as I drove the 5 minutes home. “Ami, stop being a baby. He is ok. You’ve always known surgery would come.”

But the theme of this post is not primarily that first ER visit. I needed to set the scene, but today, the real story I want to tell is about true gospel unity. “Huh? How in the world are you going to get from point A to point B here?” Well, bear with me and you’ll see.

At some point that night, I called my dear friend Emily to see if she and Ryan would check in on our “nephew” Riley. He’s a Jack Russell-Yorkie, and we were babysitting him. “Yes, of course. We’ll just get Riley and take him to our house. But Ami, do you want us to come with you?”

She must have sensed the cracks in my composure.

So Ryan and Emily came with us, and stayed till the early morning when Jon was finally admitted. Em drove our car because she knew I was kind of a wimp about snow and late night driving. Yesterday as I contemplated “last normal” of a year ago, that first ER visit, and Ryan and Emily being there with us, God reminded me of some marvelous truths about gospel unity and the body of Christ.

Emily and I last Halloween. Aren't we ridiculous?
Emily and I last Halloween. Aren’t we ridiculous?

Ok, it’s all about to make sense. But first let me tell you a bit more about Ryan and Emily. Ryan designed the programs for Jon’s memorial service, while Em artfully arranged and displayed our pictures. They’re among the many who have shouldered the burden of grief with me, and walked closely beside me in this journey. They’re counted with the folks who’ve truly been “the body.” Another precious thing to me is that they asked if they could name their son Jonathan.

Now, in order to tightly weave my theme, I must go a little further in the story. A few months ago Emily and I were collaborating on a project for church and we each had our own ideas of how things should be. We were both being strong-willed, to put it nicely. I thought I knew best because, after all, I have a master’s degree in education and abundant children’s ministry experience. Whoa! Yeah, that’s some serious pride and self-righteousness. Yes folks, I am a sinner.

But I’m a sinner with a great Savior.

Well, as it turns out, we had a substantial argument with a total communication breakdown. I think I must have been speaking German and she was speaking French, for it seemed we really couldn’t understand each other. Emily would tell you that she was wrong too. We both were. Fighting always take two. By the way, I do have her permission to post these things.

It was a situation that could have shattered our friendship, or at least moved us from being very close to becoming merely acquaintances. Our sinful actions were broken, but here’s the beautiful. Neither one of us was just willing to walk away. We both valued the other too much to say, “I’m done with you.” By grace we both understood that on the cross Jesus reconciled God to man. The Holy Spirit reminded us of just how desperately we needed Jesus’ perfect sacrifice. And not just at the time of initial belief! This believer desperately needs Jesus every day. It might have been Spurgeon who said, “I’m far more wicked than I care to admit but Christ is far more gracious than I can understand.” At any rate, I have a distinct memory of Jon using that quote in a sermon once. Forgive me if I’ve totally botched it and misrepresented it’s owner! But you get the idea. As I dwell on my great need, I understand how much greater is my Savior.

Likewise, it’s daily inundation with the gospel that utterly transforms lives. Praise God that the atoning work of His Son restored my fractured relationship with my Creator, my King, my Master! Therefore, we understood that ultimate reconciliation with God enables us to be truly, actually reconciled with others. Jesus redeems relationships.

So we both repented. And asked each other for forgiveness. That’s true gospel unity. It was not accomplished by us. Unity is accomplished by Jesus, and He gives power to maintain it. It’s the idea that I’m going to fail you, and you are going to fail me, but at the end of the day we rest in the grace of Christ and say,

“I’m not going anywhere. Are you?”

“No, me neither.”

In a beautiful marriage each partner has this security with the other. Likewise, because of Jesus, believers have this security with God. He never fails, but we do. Yet He says,

“I’m not going anywhere.”

And Christians SHOULD have this security with each other. If true reconciliation is rooted in the finished work of Christ, how can I not forgive a small debt when infinite debt has been canceled against me? If I’m really part of the body of Christ, refusing reconciliation would be like ripping off my own arm!! We need each other more radically than we think. Therefore, BECAUSE of the gospel, we can have this security in relationships.

Thinking on my “last normal day” also reminded me how beautiful the body has been to me these 11 months. I’ve gotten to see it function as God designed. A body. A unit. Living life together. Instruments of grace. Corporately worshiping. Corporately serving. Corporately on mission. Perhaps one result of the “last normal” was to make me more acutely aware of my need for others.

I would love to name all the dear friends and family who’ve been the body to me, but I’m sure I’d inadvertently leave someone out! So I’ll just speak in ambiguities. You know who you are anyway- valuable, and precious. When the Bible says “bear one another’s burdens,” to me it means these things: it’s the folks who’ve just let me talk, or let me shout. It’s family that listened. It’s one who stroked my hair and said, “It’s ok to cry.” It’s the friends who’ve let me stay at their house long after everyone else left because I couldn’t bear to be alone. It’s the people who’ve made me laugh so hard I cried. It’s lots of people who let me actually cry. It’s the friends who’ve gone out of their way to make holidays and birthdays special. It’s the people who’ve constantly prayed. It’s the ones who make me text them to let them know I made it home safely. It’s the friends who made sure I had plans every Friday night for months. It’s the ones who didn’t rush me, but at the right time lovingly reminded me that I don’t have to be defined by grief. God has so much more. It’s someone whose actions say “I’m not intimidated by the waves.”  I could keep going.

And why have I been the recipient of such things? Because it’s what a body does.  Because it’s the overflow of what Jesus accomplished.

So let’s tie it all together. Thank God for the last “normal” day and for all the abnormal ones that have followed! Praise Him for dark days that teach me to be dependent. So many things He’s shown me. How tenderly He’s carried. How closely He held me to Him. But today in particular, I’m thankful for His church, the church He made to need each other on the normal days and on the not so normal days. We needed Ryan and Emily on that last normal day. And I’ve needed them and many other dear friends since then. I’m thankful that Jesus established unity. I’m thankful that I get to better understand the gospel word, reconciliation. I’m thankful Christ’s church is a body, and that its members are inextricably linked. This is yet more evidence of grace.

3 nerds and and 80s chick
3 nerds and 80s chick
You can barely see us in the corner, but we had the tremendous honor of praying with Ryan and Emily after their wedding.
You can barely see us in the corner, but we had the tremendous honor of praying with Ryan and Emily after their wedding.
Through tears telling Jonathan all about his namesake.
Through tears telling Jonathan all about his namesake.

Impostor? Not anymore.

~ Ami ~ 10 Comments

Impostor?

Yes, sometimes I think I have a gigantic sign hanging around my neck labeled “impostor.” I desperately try to cover it up with scarves, sweaters, pretty smiles, you name it. But still I see it there, peeking out threatening to expose the true me.

So, I’ve decided to hang it in plain view for all to see.

Mockingly, it jeers its litany: I struggle to trust God on a daily basis. I often believe I am ineffective for Christ. Why would God want to use someone like me? I have dishes in my sink and clothes on the bedroom floor (at least they’re clean). I don’t live life well without someone to take care of. I am a weak, fragile, sheep who can never get her act together. I’m no longer a normal person with a normal life. I just pretend to be a teacher. I’ve got everyone fooled into thinking I have responded in faith… Impostor.

And so the list goes on. Some of it is true. Some of it is lies.

I’m reminded of a professor in college who always said. “Well you should just go get your white t-shirt, your black sharpie marker, and write on it in big letters. I DON’T READ MY BIBLE.”

He’s right. Although some of those things are true, I no longer lug around my impostor sign. What? You just said you hung it there for all to see!

Well, I did, but Someone took it.

Because here’s the REAL truth. Someone came along with his own sign, and labeled it Beautiful. And all around he wrote the words, redeemed, justified, chosen, adopted, reconciled, new, valuable, precious, beloved…

And so this Someone took his Beautiful sign, removed it from his neck, and put it on me! Then he did the most unbelievable thing. He took my IMPOSTOR sign, hung it on Himself, and displayed it in plain view for all the world to see.

“It is good for the heart to be strengthened by grace.” (Hebrews 13: 9) This is the grace I need to hear. Perhaps you need to hear it too? For surely I am not the only one who tries to take back my sign.

How incomprehensibly lovely it is that I cannot take it back! Someone won’t let me. He tells me constantly, “No, this is who you are now. Beautiful. Because I made you to be so.” (Ephesians 1:3-14, Isaiah 62, Romans 8)

So then my only response left is, “Someone, I adore you.”

Impostor? Not anymore.

A little shot of encouragement.

~ Ami ~ Leave a comment

So I came across these two verses today, and they were too good not to share. So here you go, just a few quick thoughts for the folks who like short chunks. Like a little shot of encouragement right in the arm. I know I’m encouraged. God’s word is kind of amazing.

“Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; He will surely do it.” I Thessalonians 5:23-24

So I stopped and thought about this for a minute.

God of peace— Because of Jesus (because of the gospel),  God is at peace with me. Praise God He initiated reconciliation with me, making peace!

Himself– This same God. This is the One who makes the the astounding promises ahead. He Himself will do the work in you.

Sanctified completely-I’m reminded that nothing can stop God’s faithfulness. There’s great assurance here that He has promised to keep us, to sanctify us completely. He WILL make us actually, what He has already declared us to be. He IS transforming believers into the image of his Son.

I love the language here- “kept blameless.” He promises to keep us blameless, which hearkens back to the way He already views us now. Perfect. Spotless. Above reproach. Crazy! What a beautiful thought that He is completing and will complete the work He began in us. Though I can’t often see sanctification in myself, it is happening. What an awesome reminder.

He will surely do it- So none of this is just conjecture or wishful thinking! It’s gonna happen. God is staking His promise on Himself. “He who calls you is faithful.”  That’s pretty incredible when you stop to think about it.

The only logical response is trust. God has put His very nature on the line. Would He possibly fail to do what He’s said? Therefore, because Christ did and is doing what I cannot do– counting me blameless–I can trust Him.

Yeah, I am kind of shocked at myself for actually keeping it short. Anyway, thanks for letting me ramble for a minute…

“Yes, God. You are who you say you are.”

~ Ami ~ 21 Comments

ImageI have always been fascinated by bloggers, but never considered becoming one. Ever. I’ve written for myself for a long time, but not published for others to see.

But those of you who knew my Jonathan can testify of his persistence and exuberant passion for anything he set out to do. Things were done with wholehearted devotion or not all. So, before Jon died he felt strongly that he needed to start writing again. And I agreed. My love had a fantastic way with words, and I knew without doubt that God would use his words to encourage others and spread the gospel. I always told him that someday he should write a book. Blogging was perfect for Jon. And I was content to be his cheerleader, his behind-the-scenes “editor and chief,” as it were.

Even as I type these words, I smile because I imagine him with a smirky grin saying, “I told you that you should write, lovee.” You see, though we had no idea Jon’s earthly life would end so suddenly, it seems as though Jonathan planned his blog for me. In my mind I hear him saying,”Ok, now you have no excuse. The blog is already set up for you.”  Of course, as I’m sure you’ve guessed, he had persistently told me for months that I was the one who needed to write. Stinkin Jonathan Andrew! I love you, but this is not funny! However, when Jon set his mind on something, he usually got his way. So, somewhat reluctantly, here we are. My first blog post ever.

My desire is to continue what Jonathan started. I want his legacy to spread as far and as wide as God wants to take it. He would not want himself praised though. He would want Jesus exalted and magnified. My husband lived with reckless abandon for God and the gospel. He was captivated by Christ. He lived and breathed that others would know the truths of redemption, propitiation, and adoption: to have the same hope and confident expectation. Oh that I would have even half of his passion! I always told him that God had great things planned for his life. This is still true.

Even in my grief and sorrow, by grace that only God gives, my soul cries within me, “My life is yours! Take it and do with it what you want, Lord!” I recognize my utter need for and dependence on Him. I’m a big mess. I can’t even get myself out of bed in the morning, nonetheless express thoughts and feelings for others to see! God has seen fit to strip my faith and life down to only Himself. He is teaching me the reality of “Hallelujah, all I have is Christ! Hallelujah, Jesus is  my life!” He is teaching me to trust Him when the bottom falls out, when all I hold dear is gone.

However, I must admit, I still selfishly view this endeavor as merely for myself. I’m writing for solace, comfort, and healing. But I suppose I give you permission to look over my shoulder.

Questions. Answers. 

In the weeks since Jon’s death I’ve been brought to questions that I never thought I’d ask. “How can this possibly be good, and how can you possibly expect me to praise you? Why didn’t you save him God? Have we struggled to live faithfully and obey you for nothing? Do I still believe you are who you say you are?” 

And in answer God keeps taking me to a journal entry I wrote a week before Jon died.

“Father, I bow my heart to you, and I recognize my deep need for you. Lord I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed because of Jon’s health. The not knowing and waiting for answers and a timeline for surgery is hard. Lord he just coughs and coughs at night, and I feel helpless like there is nothing I can do to make it better. His cough has definitely gotten worse over the last few days, and nothing seems to be providing relief. He feels achy and exhausted. I think we are both feeling emotionally drained. Father I pray you would help us trust you. To trust that you are sovereignly in control of all things, even congestive heart failure and pulmonary edema. Lord, I pray that surgery would be in your timing. If we can’t wait till summer, I know you will take care of us. I know you will provide. You are faithful. You have always met our needs. Help us to draw near to you.  Continue to strengthen Jon spiritually. Give him abundant grace to to be dependent on you. To know that you are strong when he is weak.”

And after that prayer, God gave me overwhelming truth from His word:

Isaiah 43: 1-4  “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shalt not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I gave Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored and I love you.”

“You are mine.” — ‘What defines me is not my guilty blindness, but the Grace of the One who chose me. I am secured by God’s resolve to be glorified through my salvation.’ (From the ESV Study Bible)

“When you walk through the waters…” Trials and suffering will come because our world is still broken. Because I still live on a fallen planet. Though God has put a new spirit within me, my physical body is still broken. The brokenness and deep waters will always be there until Jesus restores all things and makes them new. But to His chosen ones, there is great promise. “I will be with you.” The God who lovingly, artfully, masterfully formed me also chose me and purchased me. This God says He will be with me. The God whose love has no boundaries says that He will walk with me through the water and fire. He will protect me, and He says my soul is secure. Jesus already absorbed all of God’s wrath for me on the cross. I was the “worm” from Isaiah 41, but Jesus died for me! And now, though I can’t fathom it, He calls me precious, adored, chosen, His own possession.

Psalm 66:10-12 ” For you, O God, have tested us; you have tried us as silver is tried…We went through fire and water; yet you have brought us to a place of abundance.” 

There is such beauty here! “place of abundance”– after the fire and water! Lord I believe you will bring us again to a place of abundance. I know we must go through dark times–the water, the fire– to be more like you, and in order for your reflection to shine accurately through us. For your name to be glorified.”

All of this I wrote a week before life crashed around me. God knew what He was doing. I didn’t know He was preparing me to face inestimable pain. But even these words are grace.

The answers to my questions are rooted firmly in the character of God, and the reality of the Gospel. Yes, God. You are who you say you are.Image