Author: Ami

Go ahead paparazzi. Take your pictures.

~ Ami ~ Leave a comment

When I read the final paragraphs of Romans 7, I imagine paparazzi camped outside my house drooling like hyenas, waiting to pounce on some indecency or incriminating action. The chapter leaves me feeling exposed. It’s like the Holy Spirit simulcasts live feed from my mind to the pages of Scripture. “Next on E! News, the real Ami Atkins. Sweet and gentle on the outside. Savage war raging within.” I don’t do what I want to do. I do do what I don’t want to do. I delight in God, but evil lurks close beside. There’s a war in my mind, and sometimes the enemy holds me captive with his lies. Oddly, these thoughts cause great hope. For in God’s omniscient wisdom, Paul as he was inspired by the Holy Spirit, recorded this very struggle within the infallible Word. It’s like music to my ears. The guy who wrote most of the New Testament and took the gospel to the known world struggled the same way I do. I’m not crazy. Like all believers I’m caught between the already and the not yet. I’m already a new creature, but I am not yet glorified. Sin still wages war in my physical body. I’ve experienced grace upon grace, yet I struggle. Ok, so let me unpack a few reasons to hope. In Christ I am free to struggle. Whereas I could only submit to sin, now I can stand up and fight! Taking that a step further, the presence of my inner battle reaffirms that I truly belong to Jesus. Taking one step more, the raging war in my mind is already won. Christ is already the victor. The one who rescued me once and for all, rescues me from the war within. It reminds me of a song we sing sometimes at worship gathering.

“There’s a peace to settle your soul There is a peace that is calling you home Youʼve been tempted and shaken, tested and failed Youʼve been so far from Jesus, too close to hell Your visionʼs been clouded by this worldʼs delight But I tell you youʼre not of this world so stand up and fight Youʼre not of this world so stand up and fight There is a peace to settle your soul There is a peace that is calling you home There is a peace to settle your soul There is a peace perfect and true The Prince of Peace is calling for you…”

There is a Peace, Sojourn

The Prince of Peace. He is my true delight. In him I stand and face the battle of the “not yet.” In him I find refuge from the war within. So paparazzi, take all the pictures you want. There’s nothing to hide.

Ouch. This one hurts.

~ Ami ~ 4 Comments

More thoughts for Lent. This one hurts. Yet, there is beauty.

I don’t know about anyone else, but the further we get into this time of preparation, the more God has brought my sin to light. I see some ugliness in my heart, and I hate it. Since we can be real with each other, I’ll let you see it too. Here goes. I don’t trust that God is always doing good in my life, and by proxy I don’t always trust that He is good. Therefore, I worry. I fear. Sometimes I call these things anxiety to make myself feel better about them, but at the root they’re sin. I also struggle to be content. Sometime I think God’s given others a better life. In this case, my sin is being consumed with the things I don’t have but think I need. The struggle itself is not the problem. It’s when I’m so consumed by my plans and desires that I disregard what God wants and knows is best.

Today our reading looked me straight in the eye, and then kicked my butt. “Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body to make you obey its passions.” Ouch. That hurts. I mean, can’t we just talk about promises and gifts? However, I have a sneaky suspicion I’m not the only one that occasionally needs some tough love.

Romans 6:12-14

“Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness. For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace.”

The gospel of grace presented in Romans isn’t merely for theoretical, intellectual, and even spiritual understanding, it is also for practical, in the trenches living. Through Christ I am dead to sin. It no longer holds tyranny over me. I’m also alive in Him, raised in newness of life. These things He has accomplished. Therefore, because I’ve already been brought from death to life, I can obey. Furthermore, I have a responsibility to obey. I can defy sin. And all these sin patterns I mentioned do not have to rule over me. In fact, I’m commanded that they don’t.

Rather, the natural overflow of being buried with Christ and raised with Him is to present myself to God. I think this is submission or surrender. My “members,” eyes, ears, hands, feet, voice, mind, and heart etc. are representatives of the whole. Romans 12:1 says it this way. “Present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.” Paul says putting yourself on the altar is reasonable. Instead of being ruled by sin, I surrender to be ruled by God. So by grace, I repent of these sins, and humbly surrender to God for His purposes, His plan.

Here’s the clincher. Verse 14 is a promise. Though I will still struggle with sin till I die or Christ returns, sin will not ultimately triumph. I’m under grace to know both God’s goodness and His fullness. I get to be in the new covenant, in which the gospel of Jesus empowers me to obey, to trust, to be at peace, to know God is good, and to know that He alone fully satisfies.

I stand in grace.

~ Ami ~ 2 Comments

“And the free gift is not like the result of that one man’s sin. For the judgment following one trespass brought condemnation, but the free gift following many trespasses brought justification. For if, because of one man’s trespass, death reigned through that one man, much more will those who receive the abundance of grace and the free gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man Jesus Christ. Therefore, as one trespass led to condemnation for all men, so one act of righteousness leads to justification and life for all men.” Romans 5:16-18

God is in the business of glaring contrasts. Condemnation. Justification. Sin. Righteousness. Death. Life. In other words, He loves reversals. What a rich, beautiful idea. When I dwell on these thoughts, hope, comfort, joy, and peace rise within.

I mean life feels dumb sometimes. I could use reversal. Couldn’t you?

I have to view things visually. So, to see the contrasts of Romans 5:16-18, I made myself two lists. One man’s sin brought judgment, condemnation, death’s tyrannical reign, and death itself. But in my other column, one man’s righteousness created reconciliation, justification, the reign of grace, and life.

Within these lists are radical implications. Jesus reversed the curse of sin and death. Amen! In Jesus we have “abundance of grace” and the “free gift of righteousness.” I could park there for a while.

But, what is more, our conquering warrior destroyed earth’s most villainous tyrant, thoroughly reversing the reigning authority. He is the King, bringing life and grace.

Death no longer condemns the believer. Rather, we will be raised with Christ. Death and condemnation have no spiritual power over us. And someday when Jesus returns, He’ll reverse even the presence of physical death!

Do these truths blow anyone else out of the water? Surely then, the ultimate reversal indicates that infinite grace is also available for daily life. We stand in abundance of grace.

Because Jesus reversed my greatest need, He’s already reversed the suckiness of life. After all, if He went so far as to turn death into life, then I can confidently expect that the glaring contrasts of my life are good.

Here’s my penny. Thoughts on letting go.

~ Ami ~ 2 Comments

Approaching life with open hands can be a difficult thing. It’s like the toddler who desperately clenches his fist around a penny while his father offers him treasure of far greater value.

“But it’s my penny. I want it.”

Now there’s nothing wrong with the penny, but this stubborn child has no idea of the true riches before him. Imagine that his father not only lavishes him with love and affection, he also meets every need, he is faithful, he protects his son, and he dreams bigger dreams than the boy can fathom.

“Son, give Daddy the penny. I have something better for you.”

“No! I want it. It’s mine!”

So he kicks and screams and throws a full-blown tantrum, not understanding the heart of his father, nor trusting that his father is good.

I think that’s me sometimes. Perhaps it’s all of us.

I was reading a book by Nancy Guthrie today and came across this statement.

“The truth is, eventually, we will let go of everything in this life. Life is a constant barrage of having things and people we love ripped away from us…. leaving us raw and stinging with pain. But when we recognize that everything we have and everyone we love is on loan to us from God, when we we learn to hold loosely to the things and people we love, we can then embrace the freedom that comes from entrusting everything to his care.” 

Well, I’ve been thinking about “letting Jon go” over the last couple months, and at first I wasn’t sure what that actually meant for me. I’ve processed so much over the last year, so I didn’t know what was left. I had already said, “God my hands are open. Take him. Take all my hopes and dreams. They’re yours.”  And I meant it.

But I suppose, as with grief, letting go is also a process. Perhaps it is really just continual surrender. Yeah, I think so. My penny starts to seem beautifully alluring, and therein lies the temptation to tighten my fingers around it. For me, the penny is comprised of dreams like being a wife again, being cherished and adored, being held.

You see, God had brought someone else into my life, an incredible man who didn’t run from a woman with grief. The prospect of loving and being loved by another man was again on the horizon! It seemed that mine would be the story of Job, or better yet Ruth. I fully thought that God was “giving it all back.” I was ridiculously excited.

Now before I go on, you must know that this romantic relationship is no longer happening. And you should also know that this man is godly, honorable, and handled things with exceptional grace. I have nothing but good to say. Four months together was not purposeless or arbitrary. Rather, they made me face letting go.

It’s a deep, deep thing to enter into a new relationship after the death of a spouse. A lot of grieving happens first.  And as I found out, some crazy, unexpected sorrow and the need to process it happens within.

But here are some things I realized.

I know I’m able to love again. I am able to give love freely to another person who is not Jon. That’s a beautiful thing to treasure.

I learned also to surrender what I thought should happen and when I thought it should happen.

I saw that relationships still take mutual grace and forgiveness.

I learned to remind myself that Jon was not perfect. We had our ups and downs. He failed me and I failed him. Yes, he really was wonderful, but I had to remember that I can’t over romanticize him, nor turn my memories of him into idealistic fantasies.

I learned that letting Jon go does not mean I love him less. It does not mean I don’t still cherish the memories. It does not mean that he is not still part of me. It does not mean that I have to remove all my pictures of him. But it does mean that grieving him is no longer tyranny. Life is ahead, not behind.

Finally, I’m willing to be loved in an entirely different manner than the way Jon loved me. Believe me, that was a big one. Lots of turmoil. Lots of processing to get there. For letting myself being loved differently means letting go of his personality, his quirks, his lavish affection, his extravagant words of praise, his silliness, his excitement. The implications are huge. For it means having realistic expectations. It means being excited that someone else could be totally opposite.

The lessons are exponential.

The last crossroads is much more significant, however, because it also involves surrender to not be loved at all. I admit, my first reaction to “breaking up” (dumb, dumb words) was anger. “What the heck are you doing to me God? Haven’t I had enough?”

But I’m thankful God always draws me back, reminding me that life is about His kingdom and His plan. After some needed repentance, I stand with open hands saying, “God, if being a widow is your plan for me, then it is good.” Even if He takes my penny never to return it, He is still good. His grace is still marvelous. It’s true though. Letting go of desires, people, and things is continual. I’m sure I’ll keep learning to hold them loosely, and to openmy hands for God to take them.

For I am already more loved, cherished, and adored than I can understand. Letting go of my penny means knowing that Jesus’ love for me IS enough. It’s also knowing that He is the treasure of infinite value. He wants to give me something better. Himself. Because of what Christ has accomplished for me on the cross and through His resurrection, I can know the sweet, sweet freedom of trusting Him.

I’ll stop kicking and screaming, Here’s my grubby, little hand open to you.

Merely buzz words? No way.

~ Ami ~ 2 Comments

If you’ve been a Christian for any length of time, you probably use a fair bit of Christianese. It’s a language with words like saved, believer, walking with Christ, gospel, and on and on. Do you ever wonder if they’re just trendy words with which we pepper our speech to impress others? Yeah, it’s true. Sometimes they are. But they don’t have to be. For when we press to know, to unpack the truth, and to understand, they are life altering. For instance, examine Romans 5:1-2 for a minute.

“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.”

Paul spent the previous chapters explaining the Gospel, our abject need for it, and Christ’s centrality in it. Now he turns to what “knowing Jesus” really looks like. And it looks like justification, which means to be declared innocent. Not only did Jesus take all your sin, he gave you ALL of his righteousness. This was a one-time, legal act. You’ve heard it this way–just as if I’ve never sinned, just as if I’ve always obeyed.

This is how God sees you. But do you really believe that? I mean, doesn’t that just fill your heart with awe and wonder? Doesn’t it lift the heavy burden of guilt and shame? Amen!

But Paul doesn’t stop there. He says because you are justified, you have peace with God. Whoa. No strife. No contention. No wrath. So, the result of being declared righteous is peace. That’s propitiation. Imagine God’s great fireball of wrath hurtling through time and space at YOU, but at the last minute it’s absorbed by the cross.There Jesus bears all the weight and fury of it. That almost sounds like a work of epic fantasy. But it really happened. No wrath to you anymore, ever. All you know is grace. You’ve been adopted, reconciled, and redeemed. Through Jesus you have a secure standing. You have full access to God. You stand in grace. The fitting response? “We rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.” The deeper these truths penetrate, the more unshakable, overflowing, and abundant is our joy. Buzz words? No way.

The gospel, then is power that turns sinners into saints. It is the power to obey.

5 Radical Words. “I am praying for them.”

~ Ami ~ 10 Comments

Ipraying for them think I’m kind of an emotional creature. Scratch that. I’m definitely an emotional creature. But this is not a bad thing. God created emotions, and he has big emotions for me.

I like having big emotions. I like loving deeply. I like laughing heartily. I like being ridiculously excited. I love superlatives.

But sometimes my emotions become a jumbled up mess. Mix big emotions with a tendency toward introspection, and presto I see a thousand strands of spaghetti interwoven and tied in knots with each other! I think we’ve talked about this topic before? Probably so. Anyway, one thought affects another. That one affects five more and so on. Untangling them seems daunting, impossible, and futile. I mean why would you ever want to untangle spaghetti anyway? Well, I suppose it’s there the analogy breaks down. But nonetheless, those days and weeks come. The knot grows until the burden of untangling it seems so heavy it’s crushing.

Anybody else relate? Can I get an amen?

For me at least, big conflicting emotions are one way God reminds me of my neediness, and that he is enough to meet those needs. They teach me to preach truth to myself even when I don’t feel like it. And I learned long ago, that if I keep hearing enough truth, my emotions will surely catch up.

I’m not always very good at preaching to myself, however. Though I get to counsel others all the time, sometimes I struggle to counsel myself. I guess that’s why God made the church a body. I need precious friends who will say, “Ami maybe you just need some time to be still before God.”

Duh. Why didn’t I think of that? It’s something I totally know, but I had to hear it from someone else. Many of us struggle to be still, myself included. We tend toward Marthaness and not Maryness. Yes, I possibly just invented two words. And if you have no idea what I’m referring to, go check out Luke 10. But being still is one of the themes of this year. I’m still learning it. When I really stop, sit down, cry to God for help, and physically write out what is true, He is ALWAYS faithful to meet me there. He is always faithful to make truth sink in! It’s the Holy Spirit who illumines. He is truth. And He’s the one that untangles the knot.

But that’s enough discourse on my thoughts and emotions. Enough metacognition.

Let’s get to the good stuff. Over the last few days God’s been using John 17 to distill the thoughts and smooth out the snarls. Enter, big excitement! I am dying to share this with you! This is staggering stuff.

Jesus’ imminent return to the Father was close at hand. Suffering and death was coming. Ending his sermon, he started to pray. Yet it wasn’t a silent conversation with his Father. He wanted the disciples to listen in! And now we get to listen in. There’s so much rich theological truth happening in this chapter, but it was five words that utterly blew me away.

Jesus said “I am praying for them.” 

Do you recognize what just happened here?

Jesus is praying for his church. And as part of his church, Jesus is praying for me! for me?

“I am praying for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those whom you have given me, for they are yours.” (v9) Let the full weight of those words wash over you for a second. Don’t miss the significance here. Staggering right?

Jesus, King, Messiah, Savior, Lord, Son, God, is praying and I get to look over his shoulder. Seated at the right hand of the Father, he pleads for me. He always lives to make intercession for his own. (Hebrews 7) Here I get a glimpse of the way he talks to the Father. About himself. About his church. About me! Holy stars and stripes batman!

And just what does He pray?

  • Keep them
  • Make them unified, one with each other
  • Guard them
  • Protect them from the evil one
  • Give them my joy
  • Sanctify them in the truth. Transform them.
  • Make them one with us
  • Teach them that you love them as you love me!
  • I desire them to be with me. Bring them where I am!
  • Help them know that I am in them and they are in me.

Keep them. Guard and protect them. I know there’s so much more implied here, but for me this week, the link was to my thoughts. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:7) When I cast my jumbled up worries, fears, anxieties on Christ, the result is peace. Peace that cannot be understood. Because he already died for those sins, Jesus guards all of me.

And if that’s not enough, just think about some of the other gigantic implications of this prayer. Jesus shows deep, personal, intimate care for his own. He knows we’re sheep. As the great shepherd, he protects and lays down his life. He also prays that we know we are in him and he is in us. Therefore, I am never alone. There is never a moment when Christ is not fully aware of my needs, struggles, and fears. He gets it, even when I think no one else does. Because he’s also God, he knows exactly how to pray for me. I can’t get over that he actually does, nonetheless perfectly! Wow. I admit, union with Christ is something of a beautiful mystery. It’s easier to get that he’s in me. But I’m in him? Still contemplating that one.

Likewise, because I’m part of his church, part of the bride, he desires me to be with him! And he sees me with affection and delight. It means I’m wanted. Always.

The way he prays reveals resounding oneness with the Father. It also reveals that he wants his own to know the same intimacy. Because Jesus satisfied God’s wrath, he accomplished that for me.Therefore, God loves me with the same love with which he loves the Son. That’s almost crazy talk! But it’s true.

And, let’s not miss what he doesn’t pray. He does not ask for believers to be taken out of the world, to withdraw from it, to create fortresses around ourselves. Also, “not of the world” isn’t a command. Rather it’s an indicative, already a reality. Believers are already not of this world because of who we are in Christ. But he doesn’t ask for us to be removed from it.

He does not ask that his followers would have a life of ease and that everything would be tulips and mint-chocolate-chip ice cream. He does not pray for us to have health, wealth, and prosperity. He does not pray that we would squabble over peripheral issues. Rather he prays that we would know the unity he has with the Father.

He does not pray “show them that they earn favor with their toiling. Show them that you love them more or less because of their actions.”  That truly is staggering.

“I am praying for them”

Five words calmed my soul, got rid of the knots, stopped the roller coaster, leveled out the hills and valleys, and reminded me that Jesus is truth. Not just true, but truth. The truth.

This chapter is so rich. There’s so much more, but we’d be here for days.

“No earthly feast can even faintly compare with the nourishment we are given in Jesus’ high priestly prayer.” (ESV Gospel Transformation Bible)

Yeah, I agree with that.

He is abundant. Reflecting on a year after death.

Aside ~ ~ Ami ~ 11 Comments

chicagoHow do I cogently and concisely say these things? How do I sum up all that God has taught me in the year that life was most radically altered? Probably not concisely at all. The task feels a little like trying to catch sand with a sieve. There’s just too much. I’ve let you all view this year up close and personal. I haven’t hidden the depths or the waves. I’ve let you see the reality of grief, but also the reality of grace. So, I didn’t think writing the “anniversary” post would be so difficult. But I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to say, and I guess I just have to dive in.

The day after Jon died I posted the following note on Facebook.

“It’s surreal to be writing this post, but I feel like I must. I know that many of you already know, but my precious Jonathan went to be with Jesus last night. His heart got too big for this world. Thank you all for your thoughts, messages, and prayers. I am not ok, but someday I know I will be. When God gave me Jon, he gave me someone far better than I could have hoped for myself. Jon lavished love on me, and adored me. But more importantly, he adored his God. His life resonated God and the gospel. He was so driven for others to have the true hope found in Jesus Christ. Yes I’m weeping, I’m numb, I feel like throwing up, I can’t breathe, I don’t know what to do or how to respond, and it all feels like a really bad nightmare. But, this I know and my husband knew — God is good. He is doing good. I do not understand, but He has a plan and purpose much bigger than I can see. Jon told me this again and again over the last several days.  And this is my confident expectation–Jesus Christ paid the penalty for my sin. He perfectly fulfilled God’s law. And He is my redeemer. He chose me, He adopted me, His blood canceled the record of sin against me, and He gave me all His righteousness. This he did for Jon too. And so in the midst of the greatest pain I’ve ever felt, there is rejoicing. Jon is worshiping, and his heart is perfect. I believe God used Jon greatly in life, and He will do so in death as well. I don’t know what I need right now. But I know this “Hallelujah All I have is Christ, Hallelujah Jesus is my life.” He is abundant. So, pray with me, and weep with me. I sound a lot braver in writing than I look and feel in person. I know many hard days are ahead. But no matter what comes, “the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness.” (Lamentations 3:22-23)”

It seems like someone else must have written those words. Surely I didn’t compose them. My mind was too numb, too fuzzy, and too unable to comprehend what had just happened. But I suppose they must have come from me, yet only because of God’s enabling grace. I wonder, did I believe them?

Yes. The answer is yes.

As I think about encapsulating this year, it seems fitting to revisit these words with new clarity and understanding.

“I’m not ok, but someday I will be.”

It took a long time after Jon’s death to feel ok again. And it definitely got much worse and stayed worse before it got better. I didn’t understand then just how hard the “hard days” would be. Though I’ve allowed this year of grief to be public, there’s much more that never made it to Facebook or the blog. There were more sleepless nights, more puddles of tears, more questions, more moments of anger, more irritation with well meaning but thoughtless people, more love and care from others, more deep longing, more fear, and in the midst of it all, more grace.

It’s beautiful to look back and be able to say “I’m ok.” But really I’m a whole lot more than ok! Truly grace is one of the biggest themes. There was exponentially more grace than there was grief. Grace. It’s accompanied by words such as astonishing, overwhelming, marvelous, tangible, beautiful, and lavish. Yet even these cannot quantify the grace of God. Grace, that undeserved, unmerited favor of God lavished daily on His own. And it really is new every morning. It’s staggering to think that through Jesus, God offers endless grace.

In the weeks leading up to the anniversary, I’ve felt the return of many “sorrow triggers.” It’s not wrong to be sad, to weep.. And while it’s been good for me to process through them again and necessary to grieve the last days of Jon’s life, someone reminded me, “Where are all the triggers of God’s grace over this year? Find those.”

I found them. And It would take chapters to recount them all to you.

“But more importantly he adored his God. His life resonated with God and the gospel.”

When I think about themes, another that comes to mind is “relentless pursuit,” It’s how Jon lived, and it’s how God has taught me to live this year. As God relentlessly pursues me, so do I want to relentlessly pursue Him. I had to have all my idols stripped away. I had to go to the wilderness to enjoy deeper intimacy with God.– And just how beautiful it is! So prone to wander is my heart, but He delights to bring me back. I had to learn obedience through suffering. And I had to learn by experience that Jesus really is the only lasting satisfaction in this world. I’m still learning! But more than anything else, I want God to do whatever He wants in and through me. I want my life to resonate God and the gospel.

If you were to look back at 16 years worth of journals, you’d see variations of a common prayer weaving through them.“Lord my life is yours. Take it and do with it what you will. I want to know you. I want to be consumed by you. I want to see your glory.”  And God is answering. But prayers of those sort aren’t usually answered according to my “wisdom.” The way up is down. To see the beauty of stars, there must be darkness. The cross proceeds the crown. God seems nearer in the valley than on the mountain.

Most of us don’t wish for sorrow. Rather we want life to come wrapped neatly in a package with a shiny bow on top. We want the dream plan, so thoroughly imagined, that surely it will be reality. But sometimes God shatters the dream plan. Yet His shattering is never arbitrary. Loss and brokenness. They are words that fill with dread and fear, but they are also words that have potential to represent life, love, beauty, repentance, and vision.

He is teaching me to say with Paul…

“Indeed I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish in order that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith–that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and may share in His sufferings becoming like Him in His death…” (Phil. 3:8-10)

The benefit so vastly outweighs whatever cost we perceive, that there really is no cost at all! As deeply as I love and miss Jon, the cost seems nothing when compared to the benefit. Losing Jon. Gaining Jesus. Far surpassing worth.

“It all feels like a really bad nightmare.” 

How marvelous it is that even a nightmare was part of God’s sovereign plan before the beginning of time. I see the beauty rising from the ashes. And I realize, that though I never would have chosen for Jon to die, I wouldn’t trade it. That’s a heavy thing to say. It’s one that doesn’t come easily or flippantly. It’s one I’ve mulled over for a long time. But if I believe that God is good and sovereign, then I know the reality that He did the BEST thing.

“And this is my confident expectation.” 

Jesus Christ, my confident expectation. Amen. Do I even need to elaborate? I mean you could honestly stop reading and just start praising God right now. Jesus Christ, my confident expectation. Just dwell on all those words entail. Marvel with me for a minute. Jesus Christ. Do you know Him? I mean not just about Him, but KNOW Him? Jesus is God. King. Redeemer. Savior. Friend. Master. Lord. And He became man. He lived a perfect life without sin. Take a minute and let that sink in. Without sin. I can’t say that I’ve lived without sin! Neither can you. He met all the standards of God’s righteous requirements, that is perfection. He was tempted as we are, but without sin. And He took on all the weaknesses of human flesh so that He would KNOW and be like those for whom He came to die. He offered His life up as the substitutionary sacrifice for sinners. He took my place, willingly. He took God’s wrath for sinners like you and me who have no possible hope of being “good enough” to get to God. Because how good is good enough? Instead God came to us. Jesus paid an infinite debt we cannot pay. And the best part is that He didn’t stay dead. He rose again and is yet alive. He lives. He is King. And He is coming back. Therefore, “the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  (Ro 6:23)

And He is my confident expectation.

If you’ve read any other my other posts, you know this is the one message I can give. It’s the one message Jon could give. But it’s the best news you will ever hear.

“Jon is worshiping. And his heart is perfect.”

Yesterday I came across the phrase, “A believer’s best day is his last day.”  Amen. There have been times through this year that the thought of heaven wasn’t comforting. I just wanted Jon back. But how selfish. He wouldn’t want to come back. He gets to be in the presence of God! Perfectly worshiping without sin! He gets to look on the face of Jesus. Even typing those words spreads longing through my heart. I want to look on the face of Jesus! And I can’t even comprehend how beautiful it will be.

“He is abundant.”

What better way to tie this all up? He is abundant. Jesus is overflowing, spilling over the edge abundant. More than enough. Praise God that though I deserve a cup of wrath, I’ve been given a cup of blessing. I have a generous God who lavishes me with grace and good things.

Yes, even in this year.

2nd first date love this thing

Frustrated? With myself? With life? Yes.

~ Ami ~ Leave a comment

Lately I’ve been feeling frustrated. Frustrated with the condition of my heart, with life, and with ministry. One would think, however, that after the most intense wilderness time of my life, my heart would never wander or go astray again. For it’s true that God uses the wilderness to draw His own to the deep satisfying intimacy only He can bring. It seems logical to think then that the depth of closeness I’ve experienced with Christ over this year would be easily maintained. Doesn’t it? After all, He has taken me through my unimaginable.

I think it’s almost comical that the struggles of feeling distant from God, struggling for illumination from the Word, wanting my own way, making my own plans, and telling God what I think should happen, have all crept up again. I’ve been a Christian for almost 17 years, so these struggles are not new. I’ve experienced the ebbs and flows enough to be familiar with them.

But certainly, shouldn’t I have figured it out by now!?! I mean God taught me to trust Him when the bottom fell out. He brought me to new depth of intimacy with Him. He made me to experientially know that He alone satisfies. I’ve received His astonishing grace. I’ve tasted and seen that He is good. I have been able to say, “Hallelujah, all I have is Christ! Hallelujah, Jesus is my life!” and REALLY mean it!  So how then, does my heart still go astray? How then do I find myself still seeking satisfaction in other things? Shouldn’t following Jesus be easy now?

I suppose I should not have been surprised to realize that as the “place of abundance” (Psalm 66) peeks over the horizon, how quickly I’m allured by the abundance more than my great Savior. My heart persists, as Luther said, in being “an idol factory.” And as in Lewis’ famous illustration I continue to be a child making mud pies in the slums when I am offered a holiday at sea.

So think I’ve reached some important conclusions.

I am still desperately needy.

I am still at war with my flesh. Caught between the already and the not yet.

God is faithful, while I am yet faithless.

Jesus is the true satisfier of my longing soul.

In any relationship real intimacy is two-sided. Mutual pursuit.

I must surrender my will, my plans my desires. To be a living sacrifice is a continual action.

I thank God for His steadfast loyal love.

Let me elaborate a bit. Psalm 107 identifies four groups who’ve experienced exile in different ways. Some wandered in deserts and were hungry and thirsty. Some sat in darkness, held captive in prison. Some through their own foolish sin experienced affliction and poor health. Some were caught in angry storms. But all finally saw their great need. “Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble and He delivered them from their distress.” (v6)

The redeemed received deliverance, and their hearts were moved to praise. As you’ve probably guessed, this Psalm foreshadows ultimate redemption in Christ. “The steadfast love of the Lord becomes flesh and blood reality before our very eyes in Christ.” (ESV, Gospel Transformation Bible) In Jesus, God once and for all answers the cry of the needy. Sometimes deliverance is a change in situation. But not always. Sometimes it’s a change in heart.

Today, deliverance for me was realizing again that Jesus “satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry He fills with good things.”  He fills. He is THE good thing. In my struggle, I again find rest beneath the cross.

Likewise, as God pursued faithless Israel, so does He constantly allure me with His jealous love. He desires intimacy with me. Yet still I’m wayward.  It’s deeply distressing to think that I still make idols after just how much God has done for me. But I do. Though I hate them, I still create little gods to worship. But praise God that He is jealous for my affections! Praise Him that He is not willing to share first place! Because of His Son, He will NEVER stop pursuing me! So He draws me back. He causes me to realize that empty pursuits don’t last. They don’t satisfy.

As an aside, I heard a fantastic sermon this weekend by one of our elder candidates on this very topic. I love how the Holy Spirit does that! Sometimes I think sermons are just for me. Paul Dawkins expounded these truths beautifully and powerfully from the book of Hosea. Go listen to it here. Seriously. I mean, I can’t be the only frustrated Christian out there? It’s well worth your time. You’ll be strengthened and encouraged. In the sermon Paul said, “If God allows you to be frustrated in your faith, sometimes it’s an invitation to greater intimacy.”

Both in wilderness and in abundance God desires deeper, growing intimacy with His own. To His people, He calls Himself “Husband.” (Hosea 2) And just as in human relationships, intimacy with God doesn’t just happen. It grows because of commitment, devotion, and mutual pursuit. It takes effort. By that I mean that it is foolish for me to think my own devotion to God cannot fade. It’s foolish to think that my natural tendency will not lead me astray. I often need to be led back.

With my faithlessness in mind it’s even more astonishing to think that God will ALWAYS pursue my heart. It’s marvelous to think that His commitment and devotion never falters or grows the slightest bit dim. Therefore, as a husband desires willing devotion from his wife, so does God desire the same response from me, devotion motivated by His own unfathomable love and provision for me. Devotion that is precipitated by grace.

So I return. I repent in humility and again surrender life, plans, and desires to Him.  It’s a continual action often needed many times a day. I think this is what it means to be a living sacrifice. The effort is not merely “trying harder.” Rather it is obedient surrender flowing from the power of the cross. On my own I will fail. I will make idols. But thank God for His steadfast, loyal love. Thank God that the power of the gospel enables me to surrender, to return.

I suppose frustration is a good thing then. For it reminds me how jealously God desires my affections and how deeply He wants to give me Himself. What greater thing could I ever want?

Not going anywhere? Me neither.

~ Ami ~ 4 Comments

It was a very normal day. So normal, I don’t recall the events of it. Jon had probably worked. It was Christmas break, so I might have been home all day. I don’t remember what I made for dinner. We could have watched some shows and snuggled on the couch. Typical, mundane, and nondescript. It was a year ago yesterday. Perhaps it was the last normal day.

When Jon laid down for bed he started to cough, and had a slight rattle in his chest. That was it. No other symptoms. I thought he just had a cold. But I guess to Jon, something triggered more concern. So, around midnight we took our first trip to the ER. There was definitely a part of me that thought, “They’re not going to tell us anything.”

However, a chest X-ray revealed that Jon’s heart was enlarged with fluid around it. I guess life started to change then. The fluid pressed on Jon’s lungs, hence the cough and rattle. He was to be transferred and admitted to a larger hospital, but the atmosphere was relaxed, low key. I even drove back home to pack us an overnight bag since it would take a while for the ambulance to get there. My mind was perfectly calm. But I suppose my hands were not. I remember them shaking as I drove the 5 minutes home. “Ami, stop being a baby. He is ok. You’ve always known surgery would come.”

But the theme of this post is not primarily that first ER visit. I needed to set the scene, but today, the real story I want to tell is about true gospel unity. “Huh? How in the world are you going to get from point A to point B here?” Well, bear with me and you’ll see.

At some point that night, I called my dear friend Emily to see if she and Ryan would check in on our “nephew” Riley. He’s a Jack Russell-Yorkie, and we were babysitting him. “Yes, of course. We’ll just get Riley and take him to our house. But Ami, do you want us to come with you?”

She must have sensed the cracks in my composure.

So Ryan and Emily came with us, and stayed till the early morning when Jon was finally admitted. Em drove our car because she knew I was kind of a wimp about snow and late night driving. Yesterday as I contemplated “last normal” of a year ago, that first ER visit, and Ryan and Emily being there with us, God reminded me of some marvelous truths about gospel unity and the body of Christ.

Emily and I last Halloween. Aren't we ridiculous?
Emily and I last Halloween. Aren’t we ridiculous?

Ok, it’s all about to make sense. But first let me tell you a bit more about Ryan and Emily. Ryan designed the programs for Jon’s memorial service, while Em artfully arranged and displayed our pictures. They’re among the many who have shouldered the burden of grief with me, and walked closely beside me in this journey. They’re counted with the folks who’ve truly been “the body.” Another precious thing to me is that they asked if they could name their son Jonathan.

Now, in order to tightly weave my theme, I must go a little further in the story. A few months ago Emily and I were collaborating on a project for church and we each had our own ideas of how things should be. We were both being strong-willed, to put it nicely. I thought I knew best because, after all, I have a master’s degree in education and abundant children’s ministry experience. Whoa! Yeah, that’s some serious pride and self-righteousness. Yes folks, I am a sinner.

But I’m a sinner with a great Savior.

Well, as it turns out, we had a substantial argument with a total communication breakdown. I think I must have been speaking German and she was speaking French, for it seemed we really couldn’t understand each other. Emily would tell you that she was wrong too. We both were. Fighting always take two. By the way, I do have her permission to post these things.

It was a situation that could have shattered our friendship, or at least moved us from being very close to becoming merely acquaintances. Our sinful actions were broken, but here’s the beautiful. Neither one of us was just willing to walk away. We both valued the other too much to say, “I’m done with you.” By grace we both understood that on the cross Jesus reconciled God to man. The Holy Spirit reminded us of just how desperately we needed Jesus’ perfect sacrifice. And not just at the time of initial belief! This believer desperately needs Jesus every day. It might have been Spurgeon who said, “I’m far more wicked than I care to admit but Christ is far more gracious than I can understand.” At any rate, I have a distinct memory of Jon using that quote in a sermon once. Forgive me if I’ve totally botched it and misrepresented it’s owner! But you get the idea. As I dwell on my great need, I understand how much greater is my Savior.

Likewise, it’s daily inundation with the gospel that utterly transforms lives. Praise God that the atoning work of His Son restored my fractured relationship with my Creator, my King, my Master! Therefore, we understood that ultimate reconciliation with God enables us to be truly, actually reconciled with others. Jesus redeems relationships.

So we both repented. And asked each other for forgiveness. That’s true gospel unity. It was not accomplished by us. Unity is accomplished by Jesus, and He gives power to maintain it. It’s the idea that I’m going to fail you, and you are going to fail me, but at the end of the day we rest in the grace of Christ and say,

“I’m not going anywhere. Are you?”

“No, me neither.”

In a beautiful marriage each partner has this security with the other. Likewise, because of Jesus, believers have this security with God. He never fails, but we do. Yet He says,

“I’m not going anywhere.”

And Christians SHOULD have this security with each other. If true reconciliation is rooted in the finished work of Christ, how can I not forgive a small debt when infinite debt has been canceled against me? If I’m really part of the body of Christ, refusing reconciliation would be like ripping off my own arm!! We need each other more radically than we think. Therefore, BECAUSE of the gospel, we can have this security in relationships.

Thinking on my “last normal day” also reminded me how beautiful the body has been to me these 11 months. I’ve gotten to see it function as God designed. A body. A unit. Living life together. Instruments of grace. Corporately worshiping. Corporately serving. Corporately on mission. Perhaps one result of the “last normal” was to make me more acutely aware of my need for others.

I would love to name all the dear friends and family who’ve been the body to me, but I’m sure I’d inadvertently leave someone out! So I’ll just speak in ambiguities. You know who you are anyway- valuable, and precious. When the Bible says “bear one another’s burdens,” to me it means these things: it’s the folks who’ve just let me talk, or let me shout. It’s family that listened. It’s one who stroked my hair and said, “It’s ok to cry.” It’s the friends who’ve let me stay at their house long after everyone else left because I couldn’t bear to be alone. It’s the people who’ve made me laugh so hard I cried. It’s lots of people who let me actually cry. It’s the friends who’ve gone out of their way to make holidays and birthdays special. It’s the people who’ve constantly prayed. It’s the ones who make me text them to let them know I made it home safely. It’s the friends who made sure I had plans every Friday night for months. It’s the ones who didn’t rush me, but at the right time lovingly reminded me that I don’t have to be defined by grief. God has so much more. It’s someone whose actions say “I’m not intimidated by the waves.”  I could keep going.

And why have I been the recipient of such things? Because it’s what a body does.  Because it’s the overflow of what Jesus accomplished.

So let’s tie it all together. Thank God for the last “normal” day and for all the abnormal ones that have followed! Praise Him for dark days that teach me to be dependent. So many things He’s shown me. How tenderly He’s carried. How closely He held me to Him. But today in particular, I’m thankful for His church, the church He made to need each other on the normal days and on the not so normal days. We needed Ryan and Emily on that last normal day. And I’ve needed them and many other dear friends since then. I’m thankful that Jesus established unity. I’m thankful that I get to better understand the gospel word, reconciliation. I’m thankful Christ’s church is a body, and that its members are inextricably linked. This is yet more evidence of grace.

3 nerds and and 80s chick
3 nerds and 80s chick
You can barely see us in the corner, but we had the tremendous honor of praying with Ryan and Emily after their wedding.
You can barely see us in the corner, but we had the tremendous honor of praying with Ryan and Emily after their wedding.
Through tears telling Jonathan all about his namesake.
Through tears telling Jonathan all about his namesake.

The Ultimate Resolution…

~ Ami ~ 1 Comment

Resolutions

by Jon Atkins

Ah…January 1, that magical time of year when we look back at the previous year that was and then set our sights on what we want to accomplish in the year to come. I’ve never been good at “New Year’s Resolutions.” Sure I have made some in the past and even done well at keeping some of them for a week or two. But my track record speaks for itself. I start off well but then very quickly fall off the wagon. What is it about the new year than prompts us to set goals? Why is it we always have to wait for that magical 1-1-XX date to start new? Many of us will make similar choices about diet, exercise, Bible study, and finances to name a few.

So here is my question for all of us “goal-setters.” What is your motivation? I mean what is the driving force behind what you are setting out to accomplish? Motivation and desire are powerful things. We can have good reason to want to change. For example, I have had to make some pretty drastic decisions in the area of diet due to my history of heart issues. Is wanting to be healthy a bad desire? Is it ok to want to change so that I can be around longer for my wife? Certainly these things are good reasons to be motivated, but are they what is best?

An Issue of the Heart

“From this we may gather that man’s nature, so to speak, is a perpetual factory of idols.” – John Calvin, “Institutes of the Christian Religion”

“What is an idol? It is anything more important to you than God, anything that absorbs your heart and imagination more than God, anything you seek to give you what only God can give.” – Tim Keller, “Counterfeit Gods: The Empty Promise of Money, Sex, and Power, and the Only Hope That Matters”

Honestly for most of us our resolutions are very pragmatic. I want to be _____. Therefore, if I do _____ and _____ , then I will achieve _____. Our motivation and desire for change becomes boiled down to a math formula. The key to success and change is to just be a better you. Do better. Try harder. Work at it. Join the gym. Do a soda fast. Be in bed by 9pm. Read the Bible at least 30 minutes a day. Do. Do. Do. No wonder after two weeks and a lot of good effort we feel so burned out. We have tried to accomplish all these things only to fail. Now what? What happens when the resolutions don’t work out? Depression, failure, anxiety, hopelessness and despair often accompany our failed efforts. Paul addresses this is Philippians 3.

The Problem: Effort Isn’t Enough

Philippians 3:1-6

“Finally, my brothers, rejoice in the Lord. To write the same things to you is no trouble to me and is safe for you.Look out for the dogs, look out for the evildoers, look out for those who mutilate the flesh. For we are the circumcision, who worship by the Spirit of God and glory in Christ Jesus and put no confidence in the flesh—though I myself have reason for confidence in the flesh also. If anyone else thinks he has reason for confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; as to the law, a Pharisee; as to zeal, a persecutor of the church; as to righteousness under the law, blameless.”

Paul was a man among boys. By any society’s standards, he had it together. As he testifies of his upbringing you cannot help but notice all that he had done. He was at the pinnacle of life. Who among us is blameless under the law? Who among us knew the Pentateuch from memory? I mean can you picture the modern day equivalent? Graduated high school at 16. Got into Harvard and graduated top of the class at 20. Got married at 21. Nailed a six figure income at 22. Retired millionaire at 40. I mean there you have it. Hard work, discipline, and a whole lot of effort earned Paul his success. And sadly for many of us in this generation we fall into the same pit thinking that somehow hard work, discipline, and a whole lot of effort will bring about change and success this year. Effort alone will always leave you wanting more.

The Solution: The Gospel

Philippians 3:7-11

“But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.”

As we continue in Philippians 3 we see that there was something underneath Paul’s idea of success. There was a driving force that was motivating Paul to continually pursue change and it was not his upbringing. Notice the gospel words that Paul uses in this passage. He speaks of wanting to know of the sufferings, death, and resurrection of Jesus. These are gospel words. These are words Paul uses to get our attention back on the cross of Christ where Jesus suffered and died in our place for our sins. Where Jesus rose victoriously bringing life and victory to all those who God promised to save (Ephesians 1). Our motivation must be that we desire to pursue Jesus and glorify God. In fact Paul states that all of his accomplishments are “rubbish” or “crap” without an understanding of the Person and work of Jesus. The point Paul is making is that all of his previous accomplishment and success is worthless compared to knowing Jesus. Every effort is in vain if the gospel of Jesus and the glory of God are not the ultimate pursuits. This is what drives Paul not just to know the gospel but to constantly pursue it.

The Ultimate Resolution: Pursue Jesus & Glorify God

Philippians 3:12-14

“Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”

The prize that Paul was pursuing wasn’t physical change, financial stability, or more popularity. In fact the prize Paul speaks of isn’t even heaven, golden streets, and a mansion in the sky. Paul’s prize was Christ. That was what he longed for. More of Jesus. More of the gospel. More of the glory of God. This was his all-consuming treasure.

 “If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?” – John Piper, “God is the Gospel” pp.15

“The saving events and all the saving blessings of the gospel are means of getting obstacles [like our sin and God’s wrath] out of the way so that we might know and enjoy God most fully. Propitiation, redemption, forgiveness, imputation, sanctification, liberation, healing, heaven – none of these is good news except for one reason: they bring us to God for our everlasting enjoyment of him. If we believe all these things have happened to us, but do not embrace them for the sake of getting to God, they have not happened to us. Christ did not die to forgive sinners who go on treasuring anything above seeing and savoring God. And people who would be happy in heaven if Christ were not there, will not be there. The gospel is not a way to get people to heaven; it is a way to get people to God. It’s a way of overcoming every obstacle to everlasting joy in God. If we don’t want God above all things, we have not been converted by the gospel.” – John Piper, “God is the Gospel” pp.47

Getting Personal

I want to be healthy and in shape so people will notice. I want to live a long life and enjoy my wife. I long to be financially secure and not have to worry about money so I have more “play” money. What if that was the desire for change stopped? The only real motivation for change MUST be rooted in:

1. The gospel of Jesus

2. The glory of God

So let me tackle these resolutions through those two filters.

I want to healthy and get in shape because in my current state my unhealthy lifestyle is not glorifying to God. I have not taken care of my physical body in such a way that pleases God. My temple (1 Corinthians 6) is worn down, much due to my own effort. God has entrusted this physical body to me in order that I may serve Him with it.

I want to live a long life and enjoy my wife. Marriage is a picture of the gospel. I want my marriage to communicate the truth of the cross because in doing so it brings God glory and is a testimony of the transforming work of the gospel.

I long for financial freedom not so I can spend money on whatever I want but because it would allow me to give more to the cause of the gospel. God has provided for my needs and therefore anything in excess can be best used for the Kingdom by serving others. Providing for the body of Christ is something that we do as a response to what God has given us. We are blessed beyond comprehension. And we have been given much so that we may serve well.

So let’s do our pilates, give up the smoking, and drop the pounds, all while remembering that Jesus is the ultimate pursuit. And when we fall off the wagon remember that our identity is not found in our accomplishments but in the accomplishments of Jesus. In fact, all of Ephesians 1 is dedicated to what our real identity is as a Christian. I can’t think of a better way to start 2013 then pursuing the gospel and the glory of God above all else. And in doing so I can be confident in this. Though my own efforts are futile and often lead to frustration, the power of the Gospel enables me and empowers me for change. Through the gospel at work in me today, by God’s grace, I can pursue Him and His glory. That truth is available to you as well. Now that is what I call good  news!

(Written by Jonathan Atkins)